Camila Remembers.....

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Emergency Plan

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This is My Baby

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H for Hazel

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Girls with Curls

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Always On My Mind

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Cheated

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Easter Without Hazel

BitterSweet.

Bitter: Because she's not here to celebrate with us.
Sweet: Because someday I know she will be.

Her place at the table

Ruby misses her little sister

My five little bunnies

Someday we'll come to this exact spot and have our Hazel back.  Does she see us missing her?

Sunday Will Come

Today is Good Friday. I didn't realize this last night, when I was hitting another low as I continue to grieve my daughter's death. But today I made this connection between the bitterness I experienced last night and the signficance of today being Good Friday. A fellow grieving mother sent me this video today. It's a good reminder for all of us. No matter how black our Fridays are, Sunday will come. Beautiful words don't erase all the pain, but they help dull it.

Flashback

One of my sorrows at Hazel's passing is the fact that the kids will never get to see their baby sister wrapped up in the blanket that they worked so hard to help me make.

Below I am copying a post from my homeschooling blog about the day we started working on Hazel's blanket.

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From 11-10-2013

Baby #5 will be joining us in just 11 weeks or so.  The kids are very excited.  We've done a lot of talking about Baby Hazel and how she'll fit into our hearts and our home.

I thought that one good way of involving the kids in the preparation for her arrival would be to have them help me make a blanket for her.  So I chose to do a patchwork blanket this time around, allowing the kids to help me piece the squares together.

They helped pick the fabric and yarn, they helped me wash the squares and then iron them. They chose the pattern for the blocks (I bought them pre-cut to save some time and effort) and then they helped sew them together!

Confession: Some of their sewing made for very uneven rows. I had to take a few of them apart and redo them on the machine. But I'm sure Hazel will still feel their love when she's wrapped up in it!

I'll post a final picture when it's done.  Give me a few weeks!

What I miss most today

I miss Hazel every day.  Every minute of every day.  When I am doing laundry I think, "I should be washing onsies and burp rags too."    When I load the kids in the car I think, "I should be strapping Hazel into her car seat."  When we are at church I think, "Hazel should be draped on my shoulder during this prayer, or I should be pacing the hallway with her until she settles down."  When I see parents pushing strollers I think, "I should be toting Hazel's stroller in the back of the van too."  When I'm at Costco I think, "I should be complaining about how little room there is for the toilet paper with Hazel's car seat in the cart."  When we go to the park I think, "I should be wearing my baby sling and supporting Hazel's head with one hand while I push Ruby on the swing iwth the other."  But instead I push Ruby with both hands.  When it's bed time I think, "I should be smelling freshly washed baby hair now and rubbing chubby legs with lavender lotion." When the kids are in bed and I take a minute to watch the news by  myself I think, "This would be my favorite time of day to snuggle with Hazel and nurse her on the quiet couch."

There are so many should haves, could haves...but today, especially, there is one big "should" that isn't happening.  She's eight weeks old today.  I should be looking into my baby Hazel's eyes and sharing one of her first smiles about now.  But I'm not.  I have to just imagine it.  I have to try to feel the weight of her silky head on my arm, her little warm body nestled into her blanket, eyes shining at me with that big gummy grin on her tiny pink lips.

Two months.  It feels like a life time.  I wish I could fast forward to the day when I can be with her again.  Two months too long without my baby girl.

Laying Her Head Stone

Who knew that it takes nearly two months to have a headstone laid on a grave?  I didn't.  But then there are lots of things I've learned since Hazel died.  I've learned that death and life go hand in hand.  There is not one without the other.  When we go to visit Hazel at the cemetery, I am always struck by the emotions that are so apparent here.  We certainly are not the only family grieving the loss of a loved one.  When I see others visiting the departed here I see love, sorrow, longing and sometimes even peace.  People come here to remember, to honor, and to share physical space when it is not possible to share time.  Until now,  I feel like I have been oblivious to a whole other side of life; a side of life called death.  There are many who already know this side of life very well.

Yesterday, March 29, 2014, We finally placed Hazel's headstone.  I was glad to see it done so that others can know that my baby girl is here.  I have new sympathy for those who have had to bury children or loved ones in unmarked graves during difficult times.

Here's the little marker that Sofia made until we could get the permanent marker in place.  Hopefully it's still there. 

 

 

Here's the new marker:

We didn't buy a vase for our site. But the caretaker offered to give us one, "because I want to".  We were so grateful. It means that we can have a permanent place to stand the flowers without them being knocked or blown over.   You can see the temporary QR code that we ordered.  The permanent one should be engraved in stone and will be placed on her marker this coming Wednesday, April 2.  This will allow visitors to Hazel's grave to access this website and learn more about her short but important life on earth. 

 

 

 

The Empty Room

I don't know how many hours I spent trying to figure out how to fit 5 kids in 2 bedrooms.  We tried everything.  Finally, we decided to move Hazel's crib in with our 11yo, and put the 3 middles together in a separate room.  It seemed like  a good solution.  I'll never get to know how well that would or would not have worked.  Her crib is still up.  It's still empty.  All of her things are right where I left them the day she was born/died.  I can't seem to remove them.  They help keep her place and her memory in our family.

...and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother (Prov. 18:24)

For quite some time, our family has been trying to relocate. But for some reason it just never worked out. Time and time again our plans fell through. We were so discouraged. We felt stuck in Bothell with no way to escape!

After Hazel died we understood why. Our Father kept us here, knowing we'd need time to heal among friends who would love and support us through unspeakable pain. I have not always been able to open my heart, or my front door, to the many people who have offered their love and service to us. But just knowing it's available has helped me.

Thank you to everyone who came to the service, and to those who have supported us with thoughts, prayers, emails, FaceBook comments, flowers, cards, gifts, and food.