I miss Hazel every day. Every minute of every day. When I am doing laundry I think, "I should be washing onsies and burp rags too." When I load the kids in the car I think, "I should be strapping Hazel into her car seat." When we are at church I think, "Hazel should be draped on my shoulder during this prayer, or I should be pacing the hallway with her until she settles down." When I see parents pushing strollers I think, "I should be toting Hazel's stroller in the back of the van too." When I'm at Costco I think, "I should be complaining about how little room there is for the toilet paper with Hazel's car seat in the cart." When we go to the park I think, "I should be wearing my baby sling and supporting Hazel's head with one hand while I push Ruby on the swing iwth the other." But instead I push Ruby with both hands. When it's bed time I think, "I should be smelling freshly washed baby hair now and rubbing chubby legs with lavender lotion." When the kids are in bed and I take a minute to watch the news by myself I think, "This would be my favorite time of day to snuggle with Hazel and nurse her on the quiet couch."
There are so many should haves, could haves...but today, especially, there is one big "should" that isn't happening. She's eight weeks old today. I should be looking into my baby Hazel's eyes and sharing one of her first smiles about now. But I'm not. I have to just imagine it. I have to try to feel the weight of her silky head on my arm, her little warm body nestled into her blanket, eyes shining at me with that big gummy grin on her tiny pink lips.
Two months. It feels like a life time. I wish I could fast forward to the day when I can be with her again. Two months too long without my baby girl.
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